Dec 10, 2015

05// reflections

Hi. This is what I look like.

Okay let me be real. I still have a lot of trouble explaining what "ariellamin" is because my name is Ariel and not Ariella, so why call myself something I'm not? It all started in freshman year of college when I met this guy who was really into classical/jazz music and one night he was driving me home and played Ella Fitzgerald and said something like, "Hey, your name could be like... ariELLA." No joke. So I came home and told all my friends and they thought it was hilarious so they started calling me Ella as a joke and that was around the time I made my Twitter account. Back in 2009 I didn't think Twitter was anything serious so I basically made the handle, ariellamin. Of course now I just regret that forever because some other Korean girl took the handle arielmin and SHE DOESN'T EVEN TWEET REGULARLY. But whatever. Such is life.

I also got brand new glasses because my eye doc told me to. As soon as I picked these up I went to go see a movie by myself to see if they help me at all. Turns out they do. Also, going to the movies alone is actually quite nice - I can cry at dumb scenes and no one cares.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, with 2015 wrapping up and I suddenly have a lot of things to do and undo. I'm learning to accept and deal with a lot of regrets and to be proud of some bold decisions I have made.

One thing I’ve realized while living in New York is that if you really put your mind to it, you can do a lot of things you thought you couldn’t do. Everything is a mind game, really. It’s more obvious here than anywhere else, because everything about this city is designed to push your limits. I find myself rarely comfortable, physically and mentally. If you let it break you, it will. But if you don't, it won't.

This morning when I heard my train rolling into the station, I ran from the street, up the stairs, through the turnstile and up another flight of stairs and wedged my foot between the closing doors and made a grand entrance into the train car. Everyone awkwardly watched me trying to catch my breath. But such obnoxiousness is nothing unusual in this city. I have a growing list of things odd things I’ve done and faced so far - like going to a sit-down restaurant (or the movies!) by myself, surviving getting stuck in a revolving door with another human, my uber being surrounded by a motorcycle gang in east Queens, bargaining with bartenders, surviving street harassment, scouting and picking up furniture from the street, barely avoiding stepping on a giant rat that in Brooklyn, being more decisive on an ice cream flavor, etc. Sometimes this city pushes you to do random things and you rarely have time to think about it. Indecisiveness is not one of the traits in the surviving species in New York, and I had to accept that quickly.

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